Bored to hear your heart still breaks

This time last year I started a new relationship.

It was over in less than two months.

Part of me understands that after time passes, it is not the person but what they represented that you still love. The feelings you had when you were with them. The hormones. The happiness you feel. Apparently, those are the things you love after it's over.

Right now I just don't feel like that is true. I know that I love him. I miss him terribly. I cry every day, and my heart breaks more intensely as the present becomes the past, and the future feels lonely.

Last year was hard for me. I found him. I lost him. My cat died. It's still hard. I love them both. Grendel lives in my heart, but the guy! He left a huge empty space in my aorta.

I remember every day we were together. What I wore. What we did. The whole time we were only apart one day when he took a trip to Quebec City.

I will list the reasons why I know that I love him, and not just some abstract idea.

The things I can tell you:

We met after the St. Paddy's parade through a friend and went bowling.
We bonded over a mutual hatred for one particular person we both knew.
Our first attempt to get together was cock-blocked by his roommate.
We went for drinks on a Thursday. Him, me, his two friends from Switzerland.
That Saturday we went to a show.
I saw him checking me out, and I knew.


Our first dance was to the song "Young Folks" by Peter, Bjorn, and John.
The song had been following me around for a while. I was glad to find someone to relate it to.

I got to live that song for a month and a half.


He is smart, intelligent, honest and kind.
He always held my hand as we walked along the street, or watched a movie.
He dried my tears when I cried during the Kite Runner. I always cry when I watch a sad movie.
We cuddled as we slept. I woke up in his arms every day.
Our relationship was private and intimate. And I felt like my soul connected to a person.


He wasn't devoted to the things I'm devoted to: Twee, cats, and all things cute.
But he was interested in learning about them.
He read all about Twee and listened to the music with me.
Not once did he insult my music or my people.
He raps in Swiss German and is in a fab Swiss hip hop band.
I prefer old-school rap, but it's cool.


His best friend has the same name and is such an amazing person.
I wanted his friend to be my brother.

I never really cared for how he dressed, but I did find it endearing.
Giant baseball caps, over-sized shirts, and big pants.
He didn't care for the way I dressed either. It was good.


He has weak wrists.
His teeth are busted.


He was constantly talking and telling stories. He never repeated the same story twice.
He always told the truth, no matter how painful, or how much trouble it would get him in to.

He would joke about marrying me to get his Canadian citizenship.
Sometimes that made me uncomfortable.

It was strange: we gave our potential children their first names "Dale and Eris"; he combined our last names with a hyphen.

He has a blank banner below his tattoo of ancient warriors. He told me that's where his children's names will be inked.

For the first time I thought about maybe becoming a mother, and I imagined Dale and Eris on his arm.
I imagined what they would look like.
Just like him, but with blue eyes and blonde hair.
I didn't say my thoughts out loud. It's weird even writing about it now.

On his bedroom wall were photos of his family, and I loved them. I don't know why.
I would look at the photos when he was off doing other things, or studying.
For the first time in my life I became attached deep in my heart to complete strangers.

His sister is so beautiful, and she understands the dolls and the toys.
She makes little videos of her stuffed animal Rooli, and updates her facebook page with photos and videos.

Is it weird that I want to introduce them to Claudia? (see previous post)

His brother likes MSTRKRFT, drives an old car, and is now well-known in St. Gallen.
I spoke to his mom on the telephone once, and she said she hoped I would visit that summer.
She thanked me for keeping him company.
I remember her voice, and it sounded like a female version of his.
He resembles his mother most.
He told me his dad works very hard. His dad has white hair and likes dogs.
His hair is turning grey too. So is mine, but I dye it.


He said he felt like himself when we were together.
That I made him feel as if he could be.
He told me none of his old girlfriends would ever dance the night away to MSTRKRAFT like I did.

I don't know exactly why he ended it.

I was willing to change and become the person I always wanted to be.
The change was starting.
I didn't want to change for him, I wanted to change for me.
I wanted to be different. Not who I was then, and not who am now.

Not where I am now.
I would leave this place and see the world with him.

When we broke up, I had to be just as honest, so I told him how I felt about him.
He told me he felt the same way, and that all the feelings he said he had for me are true.

The only difference is, my feelings equal love, and his do not.
He said his heart was cold inside.

I never told him that I truly loved him, except on the day he broke up with me.

Oh wait, it came out once by accident the first time we knocked boots.
I wanted to say "your eyes" but my voice said "you".
That damn Freudian Slip.

I think he got scared because things moved way too fast.
What he didn't know was... I was scared too.

I had much more changing to do than he did.
It's not easy to let go and just change.
And, as it turns out, I was the one who had everything to lose.

Claudia & Bunny

True love forever

View from my balcony

Some things

On repeat

The Watercolor Paintings



Sister and Brother duo Rebecca and Josh "Hoshwa" Redman, lo-fi and twee :)

I first discovered them when I bought the With the Light On 7" off of the Yay! label.

They recently released the CD Open Your Mouth (2009):



You can pick up all their releases at Lost Sound Tapes.

Check out their myspace page for info!

Here's a little youtube to make you happy:

Wherein I give you my half-assed end-of-decade list

Ten years.

Albums Year 2000

Belle & Sebastian - Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant
Elliott Smith - Figure 8
Yo la Tengo - Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
The Parcels - Have a Go with the Parcels
The White Stripes - De Stijl
Stereolab - The First of the Microbe Hunters
Billy Bragg and Wilco - Mermaid Avenue Vol. II
Boyracer - Boyfuckingracer

Albums Year 2001

The Lucksmiths - Why That Doesn't Surprise Me
Pixies - Complete 'B' Sides
The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
Regina Spektor - 11:11
The Strokes - Is This It
The Moldy Peaches - The Moldy Peaches

Albums Year 2002

Tullycraft - Beat Surf Fun (the album with the fabulous "Twee")
All Girl Summer Fun Band - All Girl Summer Fun Band
Sonic Youth - Murray Street
Regina Spektor - Songs
Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Tom Waits - Alice
Tom Waits - Blood Money
Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights
Neko Case - Blacklisted

Albums Year 2003

Fishboy - Zipbangboom
All Girl Summer Fun Band - 2
Lederhosen Lucil - Tales From the Pantry
The Darkness - Permission to Land
The White Stripes - Elephant
The Raveonettes - Chain Gang of Love
Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Liz Phair - Liz Phair

Albums Year 2004

Bearsuit - Cat Spectacular!
PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her
The Magnetic Fields - i
Courtney Love - America's Sweetheart (can't help but love that crazy bitch)
Sonic Youth - Sonic Nurse
The Futureheads - The Futureheads
Regina Spektor - Soviet Kitsch
Tom Waits - Real Gone
Elliott Smith - From a Basement on the Hill

Albums Year 2005

Bearsuit - Team Ping Pong
Tullycraft - Disenchanted Hearts Unite
Boyracer - A Punch Up the Bracket
Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
Black Mountain - Black Mountain
...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - Worlds Apart
The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema

Albums Year 2006

The Nymphets - Pro-Fucking-Motional
Math and Physics Club - Math and Physics Club
The Snow Fairies - Voila
Pants Yell! - Recent Drama
The Manhattan Love Suicides - Manhattan Love Suicides
Loveninjas - Secret of the Loveninjas
Friendly Rich & The Lollipop People - The Friendly Rich Show
The Life Pursuit - Belle & Sebastian
The Besties - Singer
Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
Tom Waits - Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards
Peter Bjorn and John - Writer's Block

Albums Year 2007

Tullycraft - Every Scene Needs a Center
The Wedding Present - The Complete Peel Sessions 1986–2004
The Flying Club Cup - Beirut
Fishboy - Albatross: How We Failed to Save the Lone Star State with the Power of Rock and Roll
Deerhoof - Friend Opportunity
Julie Doiron - Woke Myself Up
Dinosaur Jr - Beyond
Elliott Smith - New Moon
Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
The White Stripes - Icky Thump

Albums Year 2008

The Lucksmiths - First Frost
The Magnetic Fields - Distortion
Stephen Malkmus - Real Emotional Trash
Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
Sigur Rós - Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust
All Girl Summer Fun Band - Looking Into it

Albums Year 2009

Pains of Being Pure At Heart - Pains of Being Pure At Heart (my pick for "album of the year")
Yo la Tengo - Popular Songs
Sonic Youth - The Eternal
Tom Waits - Glitter and Doom Live
Dinosaur Jr - Farm
Neko Case - Middle Cyclone
Karen O and the Kids - Where the Wild Things Are

Stuff to Note

- 2009 marked the 20-year anniversary of the album "Sittin' Pretty" by the Pastels
- The only band that truly excited me in the last decade: The White Stripes
- This made me want to kill myself: Anywhere I Lay My Head - Scarlett Johansson (2008)
- Awesome band name wasted on a shitty band: The Used (formed in 2001)
- I will always love you: PR, TM (aka "Stupid Kid")
- You will always be missed: Joey Ramone, Dee Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Joe Strummer, Johnny Cash, Grant McLennan, Elliott Smith, Mary Hansen, Mana "China" Nishiura, Bea Arthur (right on, Maude), Bettie Page, Patrick Swayze, there are more but it makes me sad to think about who died

Wherein I talk about leopards and old ladies

Not much is new. I had a birthday. I got an amazing vintage leopard coat on etsy that fits like a dream. I'm well on my way to becoming an eccentric old spinster. Having a boyfriend was really putting a dent in that persona, so thanks again for ending that relationship for me, Universe. 'preciate it.



I've been looking for a leopard coat for years. Even bought a couple. One was just a bit too "hooker" and the other was a bit too "cute". This one is >just< right. Perfect in fact! It makes me hip and modern in my 30's, keeps me stylish and sophisticated in my 40's and 50's, and will bring me straight through into retirement as the stylish deranged old cat lady I am destined to become. Then I will be buried in it when I am dead at 98.3 years old—longevity runs in my family, and that is the average age of my grand parents at their deaths.



People stare at me on the metro.

wherein I talk about fur (part 1)

In this first installment of weird things I've found on etsy by searching vintage items for the word "fur", I bring you FAKE TAXIDERMY FOR CATS








It's handcrafted!

Seller: Furburger

a sign <3

Hey pop kids, it's Twee Time podcast number twoo

Stephanie Pastel's Podcast

mmMmmmmMm CANDY

Traum Wolkies



"After more than 2 years of development, we have managed to make our little clouds so fluffy that they almost flew away."

My first pod-cast, woo!

Adolescence

My dear friend Lord Whimsy asked the question, "I feel bad for the man and his family, but am I the only one who is left completely cold by the smug upper middle whiteness of John Hughes' films?"

To which I answered, "The teen-aged me didn't have the capacity for critical thinking the 35-year old me has. At the time I just wanted the goofy side-kick Duckie, the damn pink car, the hot boyfriend (didn't matter if he was the horribly abused rebel Bender, the rich kid Blane, or the all-around popular guy Ferris), and a day off from school. ;-)"

John Hughes

Dear Mr. Vernon,

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... and a basket case... and an athlete... a princess... and a criminal. Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club

Today's doodle